2 Years of Blessing

2 years ago I sat on my living room couch crying my eyes out and at the same time feeling the faintest glimmer of hope. It was a day I may sometime forget, but it was a day that will live with me forever. The day I finally realized that I am gay, and that it was okay, and that I needed to stop pretending, stop hiding, stop running, and learn how to accept this piece of who I am so I could be a complete and whole person. It was at this point that my relationship with God grew and grew at exponential and unprecedented rates. It was at this time that I realized that I was completely alone and began to realize that God was all I had to help me through the process. A little less than a year later I took the final step in truly trusting God and accepting and embracing who it is God made me to be. I couldn’t even begin to imagine where it was going to take me.

When I left my secure job with a community of support and friends- all be it perhaps not true friends, still people I considered, and for many still consider, friends- I had no idea what amazing things God had in store for me.

He provided every step of the way. I was never without an income, even though it wasn’t enough to cover all my bills, it was enough to get close. I discovered a new love, and had fun working in a bookstore, which lead to a job working at a book publisher, a job I love. A job, I think, I honestly enjoy more than my old one.

What’s more, I’m still working with you. I’m still a youth leader at my new church, which is as close to my picture perfect idea of church as I think it is possible to find. I still can’t believe there actually is a church out there that fit into my idea of what church was supposed to be. I have found a new family of friends at church, and I have found a new family too.

My family isn’t thrilled, but they have supported me every step of the way as much as they can. And God has blessed me with the one thing I honestly didn’t know if I would ever get- a family of my own. My girlfriend and her son have become the center of my world. I had no idea what it would be like. And while it’s not always a walk in the park having people with which I share my life- the good, the bad, the boring, and the exciting, and everything in between is the most amazing thing ever.

Am I living a life that God approves of? I think so, but I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that I have never before in my life felt so blessed, so loved, and so accepted. I believe that God will provide no matter what, but I also feel that the blessings that have been showered down have to be God’s way of saying to me, “Lisa, I love you. You, not who you are going to be, not who you “should” be, but you. Exactly as you are right here and right now.”

I Love You

What is love? How do you know when you are in love? When do you know it’s more than just physical desire and initial chemistry?

I don’t know. I wish I knew. It would make things so much easier. Everyone offers cute quips and romantic suggestions, and while I think all of these things play into love none of these, even when grouped together can be considered love.

I’ve wanted to say it. I’ve come close so many times but I always pull back. One time it was because of fear- what if she doesn’t love me? What if I put too much pressure on her? What if by telling her how I fell I lose her? It was too much.

But then I realized that I would rather lose her with her knowing how I feel than lose her because I kept quiet. But then I got to thinking about it too much. How do I know I love her?

I want to be with her, always. I love to hear about her day, watch her cook (and then clean up the dishes ). I have had the desire, the urge, the need to tell her I love her, and yet here I sit wondering if I do.

If I think I do, is that enough? If the desire to say the three simple words “I love you” are so strong that they almost slip out without even thinking, is that enough? I don’t know. But I think it’s going to have to be. There are too many times that I forget to catch myself, and that is enough reason to just tell her. Why should I hold such words and feelings inside?

Lunch With Fred Phelps

On Sunday our sermon was titled “Lunch With Fred Phelps”. I go to a church that proudly proclaims that we are a liberal, Christian, church. The exact opposite of anything that Fred Phelps is. In fact, I think the people at my church are more likely to hate Mr. Phelps than the average American. The point was that it isn’t our job to change people. It is not our job to tell people they are wrong and make them change. It is our job, our responsibility as Christ-followers to love people exactly as the are. We should have lunch with Fred Phelps and not tell him how wrong he is or condemn him, but just to enjoy a meal together. Putting “love your enemies” into this context makes it even more obvious how difficult this command from Jesus really is.

After church L. and I were talking about love and I made the observation that I can totally be respectful and caring toward my enemies, but the true agape love- the love that comes from someplace that has nothing to do with worth or earning it- that I don’t know how to do. I can be the nicest person in the world, but being nice is not the same as loving someone. Love affects our actions, but our actions can be loving without the reason being love. I am completely and utterly incapable of true agape love on my own. But that’s the point. That’s the beauty of it. We can’t. We aren’t expected to. Our role is to allow God to work in our lives to create that love for others inside us. My job is to make room for God to take over until I start to see everyone through God’s eyes and not my own. Because the only being capable of true agape love is God. And the only way we can even begin to experience it is by allowing ourselves to be transformed by God. On my own the best I can do is show respect and kindness. But this is not what God has called me to. God has called me, and you, to a standard that requires submitting ourselves fully to him.

Infantile Romance

It’s Valentine’s Weekend- the “official” weekend to celebrate love and that significant other you have found (or for those who until this year were in the same position I was, a weekend to grumble and complain about all the lovey dovey stuff going on around you). Today marks exactly 2 weeks that my girlfriend and I have been dating. It’s crazy to look back and realize it’s only been two weeks, it feels like a different lifetime. But as I rev up for our “big” celebration I realize that while I’m not big on Valentine’s day, or any of the commercialization surrounding it, I do want to show L. how I feel, and so there’s a lot of pressure. But, what’s more I am realizing how major a change this is in my life.

I used to talk with my other “single” friends about how frustrating and irritating it was that once someone started dating they suddenly disappeared. I always swore that would never be me, and yet, it is incredibly hard to not be that person. I don’t really want to give up a night with L. to go have dinner with friends. I don’t want to give up an afternoon with L. to have coffee. I don’t want to give up a single second that could be spent with her to spend time with my friends- who I still like a lot, but who just can’t fill the desires that L. does.

I feel safe. I feel comfortable. I feel challenged. I find myself expanding. I am becoming more aware of what I want, and at the same time becoming more aware of what she wants. I love the feel of her hand in mine, the smell of her as we sit watching a movie, the sound of her laughter, and the way her face looks when I say or do something that she finds humerus. I feel pain when she is sad, I worry when she worries, my heart breaks a little when I see her hurting.

So why say this here? Why do I feel the need to share this with you all? It’s because to me this is the point of celebrating Valentine’s day. It’s a silly holiday, it should be completely unnecessary. But when a relationship is no longer new I think we forget about celebrating these remarkable things. When time has passed we become comfortable and complacent and we need to have occasions that remind us of the joy and beauty to be found in a relationship. Much like we have holidays in the church calendar to remind us of what’s important, we need holidays and momentous occasions to remind us what’s important in a relationship.

Get past the cheesiness of this holiday and remember the joy you first had in your relationship. Remind yourself and your loved one just what a treasure your relationship is. And if you can’t do that, take the time to figure out how you can get that back.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

My provider, my Hope

It’s been hard. Not really harder than expected, but harder in a different way. I’ve seen God’s faithfulness and provision as he’s provided exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it, and not a minute early or a minute late. But the waiting, the not knowing, the wondering if the next time I am in need will be the time that God chooses to wait a minute longer, has been exhausting. Draining and bringing me ultimately to a place where happiness seemed a thing of the past. Joy and peace have been ever present, but the giddy let it all go nothing to worry about happy feeling hasn’t been around in a long time. And I realize now that I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t think I could go on much longer without finding that happiness back.

Last Saturday I went to Second City. It was hilarious and in a very weird way life changing for me. It was the first time in months that I found myself truly feeling that happy feeling. The first time in months I just let go and had fun. And that night as I went home and went to bed I felt God telling me that things were going to get back to that again-soon. I went to church Sunday morning and while I can’t say I did a very good job worshiping God at church other things, community and relational things, were amazing and powerful and life-giving. Despite this being the hardest week at work I have yet had I felt a perpetual hope that this was it, this was the brink, the edge of the cliff. And it was, in ways I cannot yet fully comprehend.

The day after the worst day I have ever had at work came I got a call for an interview, which I had on Friday and by Friday afternoon I had a new job. Friday night and Saturday were spent with a girl who came out of nowhere and who makes my stomach tight and my heart beat faster and makes me feel safe. Which is beyond terrifying because I have never felt that way so quickly before, but it’s amazing and beautiful and hope building. And as I sit here looking over the past week I can’t believe how quickly and how greatly God has provided.

He is my hope, he is my salvation, he is my Father. I can see and feel and know in the deepest parts of who I am that God desires my happiness and my pleasure and my peace. Because no matter what happens from here God has blessed me when I was wondering if I could make it through another week. When I wondered what the next week would hold that would provide what I needed, God blew me away with his generosity.

I’m falling now. The edge of the cliff is behind me, the ground is below. I don’t know what it holds, but I know that God is guiding me and that he will place a trampoline at the bottom of the cliff, or perhaps I will fall and find myself broken and not knowing what comes next, but I know that God will be there to pick me up and put me carefully back together. Until the bottom arrives I don’t know which it will be, but I do know that God loves me and I know that love does not seek to hurt.

If you’re at the end of your rope, hold on. If you don’t know how to hold on, then let go. But whatever you do, trust that God is there, that God will provide. Perhaps only exactly what you need, but perhaps he will blow you away with the amazing things he gives you today, this week, this year.

The Infallible Word

The Bible is the basis of so much of the Christian faith. We establish our beliefs and practices based more on what the Bible says than any other tradition or cultural factors. And while I don’t disagree with this, I do wonder if perhaps we place too much importance on the precise words of the Bible.

Over 2000 years ago stories were gathered and recorded. Stories from the Israelites. There’s a lot of good stories gathered, and a lot of really important stories for learning about and recognizing God’s presence in the world. But what’s missing? What stories got lost before being recorded? What stories were deemed unimportant by those writing down the history and traditions of the Israelites? We don’t know, and we won’t ever know probably. Do they matter? Do they change who God is? Do they change how we relate to God? I am going to say absolutely not. If they did then they would be there. God is all knowing and all powerful and if there was some essential piece to understanding who God is missing from our only tool for learning about him then I have no doubt it would never have been missing.

In the New Testament we have all sorts of references to other letters written by Paul and other Epistle writers. We know there is at least one other “Gospel book” and probably many more. Why aren’t they included? What did these letters and recordings of Jesus’ ministry while on earth have that those included in the Bible don’t? What didn’t we get passed on that might help us better understand Jesus and therefore God? I don’t know, and we probably won’t ever know.

What’s my point? It’s really rather simple. When we view the Bible, these 66 “books” that have survived the years to be passed along to us thousands of years later, we need to recognize not only that they were written for a specific people in a specific time and specific place, but also that we don’t have the whole story. I think there’s a reason for that too. Beyond the reality of losing things over the span of thousands and thousands of years. I think God doesn’t want us to have all the stories and letters and records. Because although I believe in the complete infallibility of the Bible I do not believe that the writers themselves were infallible. In other words- Paul might have given bad advice to someone, probably many times. Paul might have misinterpreted something, Peter might have written a letter in hasty response and said something he didn’t mean to say. The message of the Bible is beyond questioning, but those who wrote it, those who contributed their words to the Word, were not, are not.

I think that the problem we face today is based in fear. We fear that if we admit that something might be a little bit wrong. If we admit that Paul might have given a bad sermon on occassion, or that Peter had a temper, or that stories from the Old Testament might not tell the whole story; then we are saying the Bible might not be completely true. Then we face the problem of defending our belief and trust and faith in the God of the Bible, YHWH.

But that’s the thing. It’s scary to think about, but faith isn’t based on proof or science or lack of science or solid foundation. Faith is the trust that God is who he says he is. And we learn who he is through the message of the Bible, but we also learn who he is through his revelation in our lives today. I don’t think saying that the Bible isn’t literally, 100% word for word, beyond error takes away from the complete infallibility of the Word. In fact, I would argue that admitting that fallible human beings are responsible for the written form of God’s revelation actually strengthen faith rather than weaken it. The Bible was never intended to be the final word on faith. It was never intended to be the ultimate means to relationship with God.

The Bible is intended to reveal to us the nature of God. It serves to show us who God is so that we can recognize his presence in our lives here and now. The Bible gives us the basis for relationship, but it does not ultimately give us that relationship. The living, breathing, real presence of God in our lives and world today does that.

 

I miss it

I think I’m pretty good about not letting on to how much I miss it, I think I’m actually pretty much okay with most of my life currently. But I miss doing something that feels worth while. And I miss the kids. I don’t mind working crummy hours in less than ideal jobs. I don’t mind the money part (yet, at least). But I miss the kids whose lives I may or may not have touched, but who touched my life. I miss hearing their ridiculous stories and watching their antics. I miss their unexpected insight and willingness to be challenged.

I’m not very good at stepping out of my comfort zone. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, and more specifically I don’t like feeling like I have no control. But I’ve realized that I need to get out of my comfort zone if I’m going to get some meaning back in my life. If I’m going to get back to a place of feeling like I’m contributing to the world.

Today I researched some opportunities and sent inquiries about volunteering. I’m excited and terrified at the same time, but I know that if I don’t do something soon the lack of doing something of value will bring me down and I don’t want that.

A Surprising 2010

I haven’t blogged in forever. I haven’t really had anything to say that I am able to put into words. I still don’t really. But it’s the end of a year that has been absolutely unexpected in every single way and I felt a need to write a retrospective. As is the case with pretty much all my posts, this is probably more for me than for anyone else.

2010 has been the most challenging and life changing year of my life; and I’m almost positive that is not an exaggeration at all.  This year started much like any other year- I was working and overly busy planning retreats and scrambling to put together final details for summer trips and recovering from all the Christmas stuff. As I did all this I began wrestling with what it means to be a gay Christian and by choice dealt with this mostly on my own. I felt myself starting to pull away from people in my life and I also found that I was detaching myself from LCRC. In May I finally got the guts to tell the first people in my life that I am gay. In May I also felt God telling me it was time to say good-bye to the people at LCRC. This was not an easy decision for me. Practically it meant I would be jobless and I have a mortgage and student loans and all sorts of reasons why giving up a really good job right now is completely idiotic. Personally it was even harder. I felt like I was just beginning to really form relationships with the youth and adults of the church. I felt like I was just getting settled and finally able to call Lombard home. I cannot begin to explain how much I wrestled with the decision before finally accepting that God wasn’t going to change his mind. In June I told my fellow church staffers that I was resigning and why. I chose not to tell the church as a whole the reason for my leaving, and while that may have been the cowardly way to go I also do not think telling them and then just walking away would have been the right thing to do. For two months I searched for a job and worried how I would pay the bills. I didn’t entirely trust that God would provide for me- this is an entirely other post, but suffice it to say that I’m still working on this. The day I no longer had income coming in I got a new job. Seasonal but pretty close to full time. The week before Christmas I got a new job, we’ll have to wait and see how this one turns out. But clearly God is providing for me.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends. I have been blessed by new friendships and a new church home that is becoming family.

I have absolutely no idea what 2011 is going to hold. I have absolutely no idea how God will provide. But if 2010 is any indication he will be full of surprises but constantly by my side.

I pray that you all may experience God’s faithfulness in the year to come whether it hold more joy or more sorrow. Happy 2011

I am part of the problem

I wore purple yesterday, did you? It was a great idea and hopefully it gave hope to many, but simply wearing purple is not enough- it wasn’t enough yesterday and it isn’t enough for today and tomorrow and all the days to come. Neither is tweeting about love or against bullying. These are all great things, all beneficial and steps in the right direction, but none of these things alone or combined is enough. We must change the way we think about others in order to overcome bullying and hate.

I am part of the problem. I hate having to admit it, but I am. Although I rarely if ever act on my thoughts and feelings I still look at non-Christians as missing something (which they are in some ways but not others). They don’t have a relationship with Jesus, but that doesn’t make them any less of a person that I am, but I think somewhere along the way I got this mind set that they are. Now, people who are my friends and are not Christians I don’t have the same problem with. I see them as people just like I see my Christian friends as people, but unless I get to know someone I look at them and base a lot of how I see them on whether they are or are not a Christian.

I don’t like this and I’m working to change it. But when I think about it I can’t help but see how this mentality applied to any particular group of people (LGBT, religious groups, handicaps, race, etc) helps to contribute to bullying. If we view people as being less than or as missing something that we have then we automatically view them as lower than us and that means that we have less problem treating them poorly. We are far more likely to bully someone if we think of them in a less than whole way.

The end to bullying, and the end to hate,  can only fully come when we change the entire way we view others. When I encounter someone different than myself I need to ensure that I do not pre-judge them, I need to make sure that I don’t diminish them as a person for any reason, and when I feel threatened by their difference I need to recognize this as a fault in me and not a flaw with them. Only when the “other” becomes equal to or greater than myself can I truly love them. And love is what conquers hate, and bullying is born of fear and hate.

I’m still working on it, are you?

Dear Church

In the wake of all the tragic deaths of GLBT youth this past week I think now more than ever the church needs to wake up and realize that it is not living up to it’s responsibility as the body of Christ, and until the church is willing to let go of always having the answers and always being right and always judging and expecting people to change and conform to it’s culture we will not be able to be effective witnesses of God’s love. Here is my contribution to the conversation. I wrote this letter to the church in October 2009 although I only actually delivered it in June along with my resignation, I feel the church must respond to the sentiments of this letter if we want to have any part in helping bring such tragic death to an end.

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Dear Church,

I am a 25 year old Christian woman. I was baptized two months after I was born and have been regularly attending church since. In high school I made Profession of Faith and officially became a member of the church. I spent two summers working at a Christian camp and attended a Christian college. I am now working in the church. But I have a problem with you, church. I cannot bring my biggest question, my greatest insecurity, to you. I cannot do this for many reasons. First, I would be unfairly judged. Second, I would lose my job. Yes, it’s true. I’m keeping a secret from you church that would cost me my job. You see church, I am gay.

You might not be willing to continue to read this letter after seeing that. I am a gay woman leading in your church. But to be honest, being gay is not my problem. My problem is that I cannot seek help or guidance or wisdom from you as I deal with this. Officially you say it’s okay that I am gay. I mean, I can never act gay; I can never have a relationship or a family. But it’s okay that I’m gay -officially.  But we both know this is not really the way you see it.

Unofficially to be gay is at the top of the list of things that prove you are not a Christian; because you cannot be a Christian and be gay. It just doesn’t work. That’s what you’re thinking right now, isn’t it? Well let me tell you church, you are wrong. I am a Christian and I am gay. I didn’t choose to be gay. And for years I have ignored and denied that I am gay. But I can no longer lie to myself. And yet, I’m not really gay by gay standards either. I’ve never kissed another woman; I’ve definitely never had sex with one. I’ve never had a date with a woman even. But I am sure that I am gay.

And so here I sit desperate to talk to someone about this; desperate to be able to talk about this reality without being judged. Desperate to talk about this from a biblical perspective and try to work through what is and what is not biblical. Because let’s face it – churches are changing their opinion every day. Some believe it’s perfectly okay to be gay and will even ordain gay people. Others believe that even having gay urges and desires means you are not a Christian. So which is correct?

More than anything in the world I want to have a relationship with the Lord; a relationship that makes everything else secondary. I want to hear God speak to me. I want to be honest with God about who I am and what I’m feeling. I want to know what God desires for me. I want to know that who I am is who God wants me to be. And I’ve thought I could work this out on my own. But I cannot. I need the community of believers to come along side me as I try to understand what this means. As I wrestle with questions that I cannot answer on my own.

Why am I gay? Is God okay with me being gay? Am I destined to be single forever because I am gay? Is it okay to have a gay relationship? What does the Bible really say about being gay? Is being gay a sin or not?

I can’t answer these on my own. But church you have done such a good job of making sure no sin filled gay person feels comfortable admitting their sexuality, if they bother to stick around, that I cannot bring these to you either. 

So I question and wrestle with these things alone. And I realize with every day that passes that I come closer to leaving you behind church- because you are not helping me. Every day I realize that I will go where I can find answers. Every day I take a step further from your door and the comfort of your community. Because I know that unless you change you will hurt me. When I need you the most you will turn your back. When I finally cannot go on alone anymore you will shun me. I will no longer be welcome. And this terrifies me. I want to be a part of you church. But I cannot be a part of you if you will not accept me.

I am not a seeker. I am not a lost soul. I am not someone who needs to be saved. I am a Christian. I love God; I have given my life to him. I seek every day to follow in the steps of Jesus. I do my devotions. I pray. I serve. I tithe. I am just like you church. And I am gay. I do not believe these to be mutually exclusive, but I do not think you agree. So church I am asking you for just one thing. Acceptance.

Walk with me as I work through what this means. Don’t try to change me, but don’t let me stay where I am. Don’t alienate me because I am gay. Walk this path with me. Allow me to be part of the community of believers without first expecting me to become something I am not.

Because church, if you cannot do this, I will leave. It will break my heart and it will tear me apart. But I cannot live in false community. I cannot pretend to be something I am not. God demands honesty and I am tired of pretending. I will not leave God. I will not leave my faith behind. But church, if you cannot help me and support me then I will go somewhere that can. I will find a community that will help me if you will not. But church, it’s your job to be that community. So I am asking you first. Are you willing to become uncomfortable with me? Are you willing to journey alongside me? Or do I need to find someplace else? I love you church, please don’t make me leave.