Sometimes I feel like a total failure. I find that this often comes shortly after a time where I feel like I have done well at something. Last night we had another Cafe night. We have a team of four people who operate the cafe, but for various reasons none of them were around last night, which left me. So here I am alone trying to make drinks for everyone, clean up after them, work out any sound issues, and make everyone who comes in feel welcome. Thankfully we had a pretty typical size group- only about 15 people. But about an hour into things I am busy making drinks for a group who just walked in when a guy who had never come before walks in, alone. He gets settled in a chair and sits there for a minute before pulling out a book. Now, reading is fine but since this is not a typical cafe it is safe to say people don’t come to sit and read a book. I look at the room full of other people, busy with their own friends in the middle of a game as this guy continues sitting alone. No one says hi other than me from the kitchen. I finish making the drinks and walk over to say hi and ask if he would like a drink. By the time I finish making that more people come needing drinks, and still no one says hi or invites him to join a game. He finishes his drink and leaves. I, WE, totally failed him this time. How can I do better in the future? Should I have gone and talked with him over making people’s drinks? Or do we need to do better at getting those already there to be more open to newcomers. Either way, by the end of the night I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure. But I suppose this is God’s way of reminding me I am only human and I need to remember that only God can do everything and be everything to everyone. Oh, but how I wish I could do more!
Archive for July, 2008
Fishers of men
July 29, 2008The image of being fishers of men doesn’t sit well with me. Some who know me may be thinking it’s because I find it sexist to say fishers of men and not fishers of people. But that’s not the issue. The issue I have with this terminology has more to do with the fishing than the men. I’m not an expert on how the Galileans went about catching fish, but we do know that they used a net, not a line and rod. Today we talk a lot about being fishers of men in the church, and I think we have distorted this idea. We take our current most common style of fishing- with a pole and invisible line and bait and assume this is what it means to be fishers of men. So often I see us (the church and Christians in general) carefully choosing which bait to use (which program is most flashy, what style of worship will draw the most people), getting the bet on the hook and casting out to see who takes the bait. We hope for big delicious fish (the wealthy, influential, and/or highly skilled people), but we know we will settle for less if necessary. Once they take the bait we reel them in and take their life- though perhaps quite by accident. If one happens to escape our firm grip we know they will not be dumb enough to take that same bait again. We keep casting out with the same bait until it stops working. You know the story, it just keeps repeating. But is this really what Jesus meant when he said that we should be fishers of men? I don’t think many church leaders would say this is what Jesus meant, I doubt most Christians would, but this is how we do things, so what we say and what we do exist in contradiction to one another.
As I previously mentioned, I don’t know much about how the people hearing Jesus say to be fishers of men actually fished, but I think it was more like this… The fishermen would get in their boats and go to where they saw a lot of fish, or at least where they expected the fish to be. They were afraid of water, but they went out wherever the fish would be. They would then lower their nets into the water and wait, just being where the fish were and they would hope for a good catch. Sometimes they would get a lot of fish, other times they would hardly catch any. One day Jesus helped them out and they caught so many fish they couldn’t even haul them up and the boat began to sink. This seems like more the style of fishing Jesus was meaning. Go, find the fish, be with the fish until the fish come to you and then you can take them up to God. Sometimes you will have a lousy catch, sometimes you will have more than you can handle. And think about how many more fish you can reach this way. Rather than having to draw one in at a time, you could get hundreds of fish at once. Of course, this image can also be distorted and someone may come along and say this means we should primarily focus on tent meetings and televangelist styles. But is that really going to the fish?
Perhaps we need to stop our individual approach to fishing. Perhaps we need to gather a group of fishermen and head out into the scary waters where the fish are. But don’t go alone. If you go alone and too many fish come you’ll get pulled under. If you go alone and a storm comes you cannot make it back to shore. If you go with many you can handle the fish and the storms that may come, with the help of God.
Are you fishing alone? Are you standing safely on shore and casting out into the water? Or are you climbing aboard the boat and heading out to the waters with your fellow fishermen praying that God will go with you and work through you?
Community
July 28, 2008I am continually amazed at the wonderful things I learn from my students. This past week I had the privelege of spending a week in Oklahoma with a group of kids. Almost immediately upon arrival this group of kids from all different backgrounds bonded. By the end of the first work day our group was good friends with the other groups also at the ministry site. It was like they had known each other for years, not just over 24 hours. At the end of the week we had a foot washing service. I am still amazed as I reflect on this time how powerful it was for these kids, but what I am even more amazed at is how at the end of the service the kids huddled up together. Not in their cliques, not with just their friends, they were one big group. It was beautiful.
A little bit ago someone commented that I should read the “Celestine Prohpecy”. Well, the library didn’t have the book, but they did have a movie version of the book, so I rented it. There’s a lot theologically that I totally disagree with, but one thing that struck me from the movie, most likely because of my past week’s experience was the idea that by sharing one’s energy you can create heaven on earth (at least this is my interpretation of what they were saying). It’s like by fellowshipping with one another, genuine, true, honest fellowship, we can build one another up and help make the kingdom of God a reality here and now.
I saw a glimpse of this this past week. I saw a glimpse of what our world would be if we all gave more to another person than we kept for ourselves- physically, emotionally, perhaps even spiritually. It is in the given to others that we are most able to receive for ourselves. When we stop worrying about how we look, what the guy (or girl) looking at us is thinking, or what the world tells us we should be and start looking for ways to serve others we are able to take a step toward the kingdom of God here and now.
Was our missions trip a good opportunity for students to serve in a new community? Yes. But I believe the real value was in the opportunities they had to serve one another in community. Perhaps this is why a week of exhaustion and craziness and no breaks is worth it- not because we are making such a huge impact on the community we serve but because we are having the opportunity to experience true community through authentic fellowship and service.
Mad props to all the kids who spent a week with me in Oklahoma. You guys blow me away!
Hot, hot, hot!
July 16, 2008It’s hot today. Really hot. I step outside and my skin is covered with moisture. And I really want to complain about it. But I can’t. I can’t because it’s the middle of July and this is one of the first days that has gotten this hot. So I am grateful. Grateful that we have had such amazing weather so far. But it’s still hot. The icky, nasty, skin sticks to skin, sweat covers your body, you don’t want to move kind of hot. I wonder if this kind of weather is a result of the fall or if it is part of God’s natural creation. Or maybe the weather is the same, but we have become more sensitive to it because of the fall. I can’t believe that this kind of weather was created as a “good” thing. We bought an air conditioner today. For the cafe (read about it here). Last week it wasn’t that hot outside, but inside the cafe it was super hot. This week it’s super hot outside and we bought this little window unit. I hope it can keep up with 50 people. If not we’ll have a sauna party instead. Oh, it’s not quite 90 out with 60% humidity. I think it’s hot, but then I think about the Israelites in the desert and realize they might not have complained so much if it had only been 90 with 60% humidity. But I still think it’s hot.
Unconventional Jesus
July 15, 2008I think there is a fairly sizeable movement in the church and Christian society today to de-glamorize Jesus. There is a vocal group who want people to really understand and see how unconventional and gritty this man really was. And I think I have heard this so many times I became more or less immune to it all. If you were to ask me to describe Jesus I would probably call him a revolutionary, a-typical, the guy who goes against the grain, but I wouldn’t necessarily really realize how true my words are. And by tomorrow it might be that way again. But for today my eyes have been re-opened-by a story for children! It’s VBS this week and we did a lesson on Jesus healing the blind man with spit and dirt. Think about this, SPIT and dirt. How many of us would even consider spitting in public? And who on earth would touch there spit on the ground? And WHO would have the NERVE to take this spitt soaked mud and put it on another person? It makes me cringe. I’m not sure how I would have felt if I was the blind person and Jesus was putting this concoction on my eyes. But I know it certainly isn’t what I would have requested as the way to make me see. I mean, come on, couldn’t he just do what he did with the guy who was lowered from the ceiling? So as I sat there placing our “mud” on the foreheads of these children who were exclaiming things like gross! and slimy! and ick! I really wondered what Jesus was thinking when he did what he did! And I feel like I can see maybe for the first time, how truly unconventional, radical, a-typical and everything else Jesus was. I wonder if he migh be calling us to do something completely ridiculous like spitting in the dirt to place a muddy solution on the eyes of the blind? I mean, if he was so unconventional, it seems like his followers should be as well.
Being church
July 14, 200850 people, one small house, a stand up bass, 90 degree weather, and no AC. And there was no place I would have rather been. The music was great. Really, honestly great. Lyrically and melodically beautiful. But what I loved was the conversations. I talked to so many people about everything from corn fields to my hopes for the future. We played games (Euchre!), we drank coffee (iced of course), and I felt connected. I felt connected to the people filling this tiny house, because we were physically connected, forced to touch and I felt connected to a higher calling, a greater purpose for being. I saw a glimpse of the beauty of what it means to be THE Church not just be a church. And I have hope. I have hope that the future is bright, that we are in the beginning of a revolution that will not destroy what is, but will reform it, will re-vision what we call church. Because I can think of nothing more biblical, nothing more “church” than breaking bread and fellowship- true honest fellowship and worship. We didn’t know if it was possible. We didn’t know if we would have the support of the church. We had to step out in faith, trusting that this was what God was calling us to. We spent months praying and dreaming and praying more and re-visioning and praying more and proposing and praying more and creating. The day came to open the doors and we didn’t know if anyone would come. And they came. And they continue to come. To a tiny house with free refreshments, live music, and fellowship. Yeah, the refreshments are nice, the music rocks, but people come for the fellowship. People come because they have been waiting for a place to come, a place to make friends, to deepen existing friendships, a place they can BE the church. Will we start a revolution? I think we already have- in the lives of everyone connected to the Cafe.
Change
July 11, 2008I have been at my church for a year now, a little more actually. My thoery coming in was to make only essential changes to the youth ministry program to really be able to evaluate the current program as honestly as I could and to base a new program on actually knowing the people I was developing it for. So the first year has been pretty easy. Minor, surface changes only. Not too painful, at least they shouldn’t be. But kids weren’t too fond of the changes at first, but by the end of it all I think they adapted for the most part. But now it’s time for the hard part. Unfortunately after more than 10 years of the same format for youth group it just isn’t working anymore (this is really only unfortunate because it means I am faced with the challenge of convincing an entire church that change is good). Ha, who am I kidding! I hate change, we all hate change. It goes against our nature. We like to be comfortable and change forces us out of our comfort zone into a new place. So having spent a year doing nothing and receiving praise for this (it makes me especially concerned about the response to the changes being made) I am moving ahead like a bulldozer essentially destroying everything that was. Typically this would not be my approach. But this is not a typical situation. People are set and comfortable with a way that has been around so long it almost qualifies as a “but that’s the way we’ve always done it!” (aah Calvinists). So working with a group of people including a parent, a volunteer leader, a church leader, and a couple of students we have developed a program. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Is it going to be tough…definitely. But how do we encourage youth and parents to be on board and give it a shot? We are changing a program that has always met only twice a month to meeting every week and occassionally more than once a week. We have changed the old model of music, lesson, and then small groups and instead we have worship and small groups on different nights. Yikes. What if no one comes? What if the only people who like this idea are the ones sitting in the crowded office for hours each week working on developing a purpose and program that fulfills the purpose? How do I convince people change is good? Should I just relegate myself to accepting the fact that we will loose a lot of kids the first year, or is this the wrong approach to take? Should I be trying harder to accomadate students so we at least have them or should I be doing what I am and creating environments where the purpose is to be very intentional about helping students grow? Are 8 people promoting this vision enough or do we need more people on board? These are all thoughts that cram my mind as I move forward with this vision and this plan to accomplish the vision. And then as I think I might just keep doing the same thing and forget about change I am reminded by a gentle reminder from a friend, or a hard slap from a Bible passage, or a quiet peace from God that despite the challenges ahead, despite our natural resistance to change, we are following God’s plan, we are seeking God’s guidance, and we must move ahead. So for now I rest assured of God’s hand in this change, and I pray for the people most affected by it- the youth, our leaders, and the parents, that they may catch the vision, that they may be excited about this change even in their hesistance and uncomfort. I pray that as we all go through this process of change we may grow in our faith and love for one another, because really, that’s what it’s all about.
Miracles
July 10, 2008It was Christmas break and me and my siblings were all home from college. My brother complained of a headache for an entire week and my sister and I resorted to ignoring his complaints because we didn’t really believe him. But at the end of the week an MRI revealed a rather large clump on his brain stem. Determining that careful monitoring was the best course for the time being we all returned to college, including my brother. Not three weeks later I get a call saying my parents are heading up to pick him up because he has been vomitting non-stop and can’t actually sit up or do anything. The hospital released him after checking him out claiming it was just the flu. So they take him home and to the hospital there where the doctors all say the same thing…no way we aren’t operating on that, it’s too risky, even though it’s obvious he is rapidly getting worse. Finally they find a doctor willing to operate, 4 hours away. I get the call telling me all this and feel completely helpless to do anything, being more than a day’s drive away. I frantically start trying to figure out what I can do. I talk to my professors, I have a huge paper due in two days and an exam in another class to take. Of course they are totally understanding and now my next hurdle, how do I get to the hospital? I search for plane tickets with little hope, I have looked before and they are always outrageously priced because it’s flying to two small cities. I find a round trip ticket for the unbelievalby low price of $150 leaving the next day. I head out and get to the hospital after my brother has already gone into surgery. The reality of this operation weighs heavily on all of us…there is a 90% chance that he will have significant brain damage including being in a vegetative state for the rest of his life or dying. That’s pretty high odds, and I didn’t get to see him before hand, so here I am feeling incredibly guilty about having been so rude and disrespectful toward this just a couple weeks ago. As we sit waiting in the family waiting room for a full day- the surgery takes more than 12 hours, I watch as families get good news and bad news leaving joyful or in tears wondering which it will be for us. In many ways this is still so surreal. Having gone into surgery before 6 that morning it is nearly that time before the doctor comes to see us…the surgery went well, but the clump on the brain stem was in a much more difficult place and larger than they had thought at first so it was more invasive than they had thought before. To know what sort of effect it had on his brain function we have to wait for him to wake up. That could be hours or even days depending. We go to see him lying there sleeping his head shaved bald and wrapped in a bandage with tubes everywhere. He’s alive, that’s a miracle in itself. That night we head to my parent’s room. There waiting for us is a room stuffed with stuff..cards, gifts, and notes. We spend the night reading the cards and notes and looking at the gifts. These things came mostly from the people my mom works with. Most of them don’t go to church and wouldn’t say they are Christians, but the notes are filled with words of love and hope and offers of prayer. And money. Insurance covers the medical bills, but the cost of staying for more than a week 4 hours away and traveling expenses and food and being unable to work for several weeks is a significant financial strain for my parents. The money given is a huge blessing, along with the blankets, fruit baskets, pictures, “survival packs”, and more. This is another beautiful miracle and by the end of the night emotionally drained from the day everyone is in tears. The next morning we head to the hospital and immediately are given another miracle…he’s awake. And as far as anyone can tell he has no significant damage, and nothing that physical therapy can’t replace. The doctors can’t believe it, the nurses can’t believe it, but we can believe it. That’s the power of prayer. That’s the awesome loving power of our God. And as he recovers and goes through therapy people are amazed, people meet God through his story. And that is another miracle. This is why when people say that miracles don’t happen anymore I have to stand there and correct them, because I have experienced a true miracle. I have experienced that which cannot be explained by science, that which can’t be explained by human rationale. It’s an amazing thing. Why share this now? Because today is his birthday and the fact that he is back to his normal self is a blessing (although some days my sister and I would not agree with this). The credit can only go to the amazing creator of this world-Yahweh, my God.
