Depression

The cloud hangs down, a weight that you just can’t shake. It colors the world grey, dimming the beauty around you. It gets between you and God, a formidable obstacle that seems impenetrable. You try to fight it, but the cloud keeps weighing heavier and heavier. You try to pretend everything is okay, you laugh when you are supposed to laugh, you talk about God like you know is expected, you try to be a good friend, and you keep pushing on at work. But the cloud won’t go away, and it’s exhausting to fight. Slowly you start to embrace the cloud. You stop pretending to enjoy things, you start letting go of friends, you stop caring about work, and you stop trying to have a relationship with God that seems totally impossible. You welcome the weight of the cloud as apathy takes over. In exhaustion you succomb and hide inside your cloud. Your friends stop calling, you lose your job, all you do is lay in bed, day in and day out. There seems to be nothing better to do. The cloud has become your only friend, your only comfort. It’s presence is constant and provides comfort. Besides, you don’t have the strength to fight it anymore even if you wanted to. And then They come. The people who refuse to give up. They pull you out of bed, make you get help. Reluctantly you go- not because you want to, but because you have no choice. Slowly the cloud starts to lift. The world regains some color. But it’s a depressing colorful world. You have nothing left- your friends have mostly given up, you lost your job, you gave up on God, and it seems hopeless. You wish for the cloud to return, the cloud that made everything seem okay, the comforting weight that kept you oblivious. When it hovers in the distance you run to it, but it disappears. You are left desperately grasping at straws, looking for whatever remains of your old life. You realize you have to start over. You re-establish friendships, get a job, and start trying to re-build your relationship with God. It seems hopeless, and it takes every ounce of your strength to keep moving forward. It seems that the old life, of joy and ease and love and hope, will never return. And this is worse than the cloud. Much worse. But slowly, the joy comes back, the hope you had seems to be just on the other side of this hill. And so you press on, trusting that some day things will be good once more.

Deedless Atonement

Yesterday we had a sermon that at it’s start made me expect a fairly commonplace message-the sermon topic was that salvation is through Christ alone.  However, I was surprised to find myself being challenged by the sermon in new ways…a few thoughts I want to pass along. 

-As we know, salvation is through Christ alone, this is not limited to the intial conversion, but to all of life. Our ongoing sanctification is also through Christ alone, possible only by the grace of God. How often do we try to grow on our own power? I know I often focus on doing the right things, reading my Bible, praying enough, giving money, taking care of the poor, etc. It is not by religion (or religious acts) that we are able to grow, but by a faith relationship with Jesus. So simple, so obvious, yet so easy to overlook and ignore. I want to know what a faith relationship with Jesus is like.

-You can’t ever be good enough, clean enough on your own. How can doing what you were supposed to be doing all along make up for what you failed to do in the past? NOTHING you do in the future can make up for the past because all we would be doing is what we were supposed to do to begin with. There is no way we can do enough good to make up for the bad we have done, because let’s face it, from the very beginning we were supposed to be doing that good. There is no line saying this is all the good you need to do anything after this is just bonus stuff. I could live a perfect life from here on out and it wouldn’t be able to make up for ONE mistake in the past. That’s the way it is. Only someone who has always been perfect, who has never messed up can take that away.

Such simple reminders, such obvious truths, but I definitely needed to be reminded that even now, especially now, it’s still about God’s grace and not my actions.

Scattershot Theology

I’m currently reading “Scattershot”. This is a fascinating book to me. Fascinating for many reasons- because I love psychology and attempting to understand how the human mind works, fascinating because in some ways I can totally relate, and fascinating because David Lovelace does an excellent job, in my opinion, of describing the experience in a way that gives a sliver of understanding of what it is like to be bipolar. There are two things I have drawn from this book that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic of the book (I haven’t quite finished yet, perhaps I will edit this post upon completion of the book…) The first is a quote that I think translates to the Christian faith… Lovelace writes when talking about a manic break “It transcends but rarely translates”. The beauty of Christianity in comparison with many other religions is that it both transcends and translates, this is what sets Christianity apart from other religions. The other is that Lovelace is attempting to do what I am certain is impossible- he is attempting to share an experience, create a way that allows those of us who have never experienced a manic break or depression, to truly understand it. Lovelace uses stories of his experience, he uses relatable things to explain these unrelatable things to us outsiders. This is what God does- he isn’t limiting himself, rather, he is using what we as humans are able to comprehend and understand to help us see parts of him, to help us experience him as greatly as possible.  Of course, until we experience it ourselves we can never truly understand mania, and until we see God for ourselves we will never truly understand God. In the mean time we must settle for those glimpses seen through stories of behavior and metaphors and “it’s like this…”

By the way, I found this book at CPYU- he does a great job reviewing it, if you want more information. I highly reccomend it.

A Loving (and Good) God

I remember in my 101 level philosophy class having to discuss “If God is good why is there evil in the world”. I’m not going to go through all the mess of philosophy trying to answer this question- which I don’t think we actually can answer, and definitely cannot comprehend in the life. This morning I was struck by a question, a thought really.

When someone is arrested for murder or stealing or whatnot and the judge sentences that person to spend a number of years in jail commensurate with the badness of his (or her) behavior, do we say that the judge is bad or unfair? No. We are glad that this person is being punished for her (or his) bad behavior.

When a child is punished by his/her parents for bad behavior, do we say the parents are bad parents? No, we recognize that the child did something wrong and out of love for her/him the parents are not allowing the child to go unpunished- his/her behavior to go unchecked.

When we are facing difficulties or trials- when the economy is struggling (failing?), when floods and hurricanes come, when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, etc. we ask how a loving God can allow this. Do we forget so easily that we chose to face this punishment. That we chose to ignore the rules- simple rules made out of love- and by so doing said “we are willing to face the consequences”. It doesn’t make God less good to allow us suffering and trials for our bad behavior- it makes him more good.  God sacrificed his Son to make sure we wouldn’t have to spend eternity paying for our bad behavior, but this doesn’t mean the consequences for our behavior are automatically wiped away- a mother doesn’t lover her son less because he rode his bike with out shoes and scraped his foot, but that doesn’t mean she takes the scrape away.

I am grateful for the reminders in my life that the world is not yet fully redeemed. I complain about them, but in all honesty I know that these things are helping me see what I would otherwise be blind to.

Father forgive me…

How do people ned up going around begging for gas money and money just to make ends meet? Is it drugs? Alcohol? Lack of motivation?  Bad luck and/or choices? How come I am sitting in my above acceptable office on my perfectly useable computer completely content simping my Dr. Pepper and knowing I will go home to my comfortable apartment with a decent view and luxuries I rarely take advantage of and not living out of my car wondering how I’m going to pay for gas and food and where I will get cleaned up before heading to my minimum wage job? Where did my life (at least up to this point) take the “right” turn and there’s the wrong? Why am I so obsessed with people less fortunate than me these days? Why do I still refuse to do more than write my monthly check to the organization doing the work and feel sorry for them? Why do I feel sorry for them? Is this an appropriate response?

A woman came to the door looking for gas money. She sounded desperate- is there anywhere else I can go? Is there anyone here right now with just a couple dollars? I have been driving around looking for help and my tank keeps getting lower and lower…and I stood at the door judging her. Wondering to myself why she wasn’t able to pay for gas and what stupid thing she must have done that brought her to that point. And I told her sorry, but no one here can help right now, but if you come back on Sunday a deacon will be here you can talk to them then…I truly didn’t have any cash save for 13 cents in pennies, but that’s not the point. 

Instead of loving her I judged her. And now I am left feeling guilty for doing that…and wondering when I will stop being so selfish and judgemental and start truly loving people. Sure, she might be a drug addict, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need gas.

And what do Christians like exactly?

I subscribe to a number of blogs that I find enriching, and occassionally I find a blog that I find purely entertaining. Today via a blog I follow I found this enjoyable blog-I am quite sure anyone who has grown up in church and reads this blog will find this site enjoyable as well…check it out.
Stuff Christians Like

You should also check out the other blogs listed as they have wonderful material to get you thinking and/or resources for youth ministry.

Peanut Butter Lifechange

I have a friend, her name is Michelle, but everyone calls her Skippy. You may wonder how someone gets the name of Skippy when their real name is Michelle. Well, it’s actually quite simple. During a youth group trip there was a heated debate whether JIF or Skippy peanut butter was better (this came about because of a need to buy PB to make sandwiches). Throughout the trip the group took to calling her Skippy because she had been one of the most vocal people for Skippy peanut butter. To this day nearly everyone at church calls her Skippy- she has two kids and is married, and still, she’s Skippy. I want to be a part of life change for students. I want to create the opportunities where things don’t just come back as memories, but as a part of every day living. Like something as ridiculous as peanut butter has become a part of who Michelle is, for better or worse. Not that I’m looking to coin a new nickname, but I would love to be a part of a new name being given to a student. What does it take to get there?

Floundering

There are times when you are out in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water in every direction as far as the eye can see and all you can do is try to remain afloat, treading water as the gentle current pulls you whichever direction it so chooses until your energy is gone and you use one last spurt to flail your arms and legs desperate to remain afloat. But what if we could stop flailing about? Remember Peter walking on the water? He stayed afloat only as long as he trusted Jesus to keep him there. When he started relying on his own strength and ability he started to sink. Perhaps what we need to be doing is trusting God more. Perhaps we need to stop trying to stay afloat and allow ourselves to sink as we trust God to raise us up again. Let’s face it, our energy and strength is limited, our ability can only keep us afloat for a short while. If I want to continue I need to stop trusting in my own ability and totally surrender my life to God, trusting that he can and will hold me up, because then, and only then can I move forward- resting in his strength my weakness becomes power.

Funny God…but seriously

I am certain God was chuckling as he orchestrated the aligning of three ridiculous “coincidences”. Yesterday I stumbled across a video about charity- check it out here, it’s great.  Then as I’m heading home I see a woman on the corner holding her sign that says something about being a single mom and having two girls to take care of. As I sit there wondering what I can do that would really make a difference for this woman a song comes on saying “it just takes one” to make a difference. I really wanted to turn it off because it made me feel so guilty about thinking about doing something but not actually doing anything…but I didn’t. Instead I smiled as I thought about God laughing at my awkward situation, as he waits patiently for me to get the message. I got the message-but I’m still afraid to act- afraid mainly because I have no idea what to do while knowing exactly what to do. Funny God, but seriously…

Acceptable Mockery

There’s a blog I read that has recently been posting some funny, retro Christian music videos. The videos are rather pathetic and definitely don’t portray the image we seem to be striving for in the church today. At first I just enjoyed these humorous clips, but then I got to thinking about it, and I’m wondering if it’s really okay to be laughing for the reason I am laughing. Is there such a thing as acceptable mockery? If so, where’s the line? I am inclined to say that it’s okay to mock something if the person/people involved in it are also now laughing at it- as would probably be the case with a video from the 70’s. However, the more I think about this the more I hesitate to actually say it is okay. I know a lady who LOVES music- she loves groups I thought went extinct long ago, she thinks things like Christian dating services, Christian versions of myspace, etc are all wonderful. And she would probably watch the videos that make me laugh and love them. So in this instance if I were to mock these videos with her present, she would be offended. I bet there is a situation similar to this for every thing I might mock. Which makes me think that I shouldn’t be mocking anything at all, because it is in no way uplifting and it potentially can be damaging. Out of respect for the few who may genuinely enjoy what I find humorous I am going to refrain from indulging in such things. Yikes- this is going to be hard.