Honesty

A little over a week ago I was sitting on my couch reading my Bible trying to keep my mind from wandering all over the place when I decided to just quit. Instead I opened up my journal and wrote our a prayer to God pouring out my true feelings at that moment. Being completely honest for the first time in months with both myself and God. It was amazing what followed. For days after that I was talking to God, I was listening for God, and actually hearing him speak. Things were clicking like they hadn’t for a long time and it was wonderful.

I love what God is doing in my life right now. I love that he has taken my honesty and pushed me. I love that I am feeling exhilerated and terrified at the same time. That first day has lead to others, and on Saturday I started the day being blindsided by a realization of what I believe has been standing in the way of my relationship with God. And the rest of the day I spent time on and off working through this, taking this to God and wrestling with it. It was exhausting. But it was so refreshing. Sunday I woke up excited for the day and ready to see what God had in store for me.

Monday night I had small group. I’m not a big fan of my small group, but I was excited because we are currently studying “Walking with God” which is about listening to God, and that’s what I felt my entire week had been about. So I was looking forward to being able to share this amazing experience with the group. And then I didn’t.

Before leaving I had spent time asking God for courage, asking God to allow me to share what he had been doing in my life without sugar coating it, without putting on the cloak of the “good Christian”, and in a way that would honestly reflect what I had been experiencing. I was genuinely ready to go in there and while I wasn’t going to share all the details, I had no intention of hiding the reality of things either. But it didn’t happen.

Yes, I was scared, but it was more than that. I didn’t feel I had the opportunity. I didn’t feel that this group of people were the right people to share it with, and most of all I chickened out. I think. I’m not sure that’s really true. I think God was protecting me a little, because I’m not sure we as a group are in that place yet and if I had shared honestly it might have come back to bite me. And if I had left too much out it would have diminished the point of the entire week.

For now I’m waiting. I’m waiting to share this story of how wonderfully God is working in my life right now. I would love to share it today. I would love to sit down and tell you all about it. But I think I’m not ready yet. I think God is saying, “hold on, wait a minute, don’t go watering down what I’m doing, don’t go making this a lovey dovey story, wait until you can tell it all and tell it truthfully”. So for now I am waiting, because I know that I cannot tell it all yet. Right now I cannot be totally honest about what it is that God has done for me because I cannot be totally honest about why those things needed to be done.

You might be wondering why I even share this all with you if it is only to say, “I have something to say but I’m not going to say it”. To be honest, the reason is simple. It’s because I need the reminder. I need this to be here to remind me why I am not sharing about the things God is doing right now, becuase it would be so easy to tell you about how amazing God is and not be honest about how fallen I am. I am working on becoming the person who can be honest- with God, with myself, with those around me. And I think the first step to being honest is to admit that I am not being honest.

I hope soon I can share the amazingness of what God is doing in my life with people. Until then I want to be honest by saying I am not ready to be honest about it all yet. And this is a really long post to say that.

Long-Term Planning

Money. It’s front and center in our lives more now than before I think. We have less, or think we have less of it, and so giving it away becomes a bigger issue. Like pretty much every organization in the country right now our church is dealing with not having as much money coming in as we used to. I was liking how we addressed this. It was via personal contact from deacons and a Q & A time between services where people could find out what exactly is going on in the church. It was healthy and it didn’t “preach” that we needed to be giving more in order to become better Christians.

Until yesterday. Yesterday the sermon was on giving. I don’t think I would have had a problem with the sermon ordinarily. Our pastor did not really even focus a lot on giving more because our church is struggling or that sort of thing. But in the wake of these other attempts at getting people to give as they were before (it’s funny how we have only a handful of unemployed people but nearly everyone is giving less these days) the sermons seems to come off as another attempt to get people to open their pocketbooks and give more money to the church.

One redeeming thing about this sermon and the timing was that much of the focus on giving to the church talked about how we are unable to do what we need/should be doing for the community because we don’t have the money in the budget to do these things. While I think we could do a lot with no money, I did appreciate that it wasn’t as much about helping our church to help our church. I know this was a legitimate thing because it has been our pastor’s focus since he arrived, connecting with our community.

All of this is really just to say that we are in the midst of a pretty major decision. There is very limited land and the house directly next to our church, between a house we own and the church building, is for sale. The house is 100k less than it was the last time it was for sale, so it’s a great price. But money is tight, and if we already cannot do what we should be doing in and for the community then buying a house isn’t a good idea. There’s a committee meeting trying to figure out how we can afford to buy the house, so that in case we decide the church needs to build an addition or something we have the land and can do it. Not that long-range planning is unimportant, but I think this is absolutely ridiculous.

The church isn’t going to grow. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean that the way we do church is evolving. Small communities are what work, and they are going to become more and more popular. Sure, in 10 years we may have enough people to make it reasonable to add an addition. But I do not believe that in 10 years we will NEED to build an addition. We could triple in size and have no need for structural changes (well, probably new paint and carpet and things, but that’s not the point). Our sanctuary sits more than half empty every morning. We have a good size room that can/could be used as a gym for almost all activities. We already have land that would allow us to grow. And we are currently unable to afford to do what we are called to do. Because of money we are not being the church right now. What good does adding another house do? What good is planning for the future if we cannot live as the church in the present?

I was asked what I thought about the purchase of the house because they are thinking largely in terms of youth and young adult needs in terms of building in the future. And I told them this, basically. But they are still moving forward, and I respect that they are seeing the long term needs and doing what they can in the present to make possible future needs possible. But isn’t there something seriously wrong when we are so worried about what we, the people in the church, will need in 10 years that we cannot provide for what the people all around us need right now?

The church of the New Testament didn’t acquire property in order to plan for the future. They collected money and split it among everyone so that everyone was cared for. Perhaps with their excess they then purchased property or other types of things. But first they cared for the community. We need to re-evaluate what the church is doing before we begin deciding that the future demands the sacrifice of the present.

Rapture Ready

I have a list of about 20 books that I want to read but cannot find at the library. I finally got around to getting “Rapture Ready!” by Daniel Radosh, a book about Christian pop culture. I love it. First, I am one of the many cynics of the Christian sub-culture, which is probably why I was enticed by the book in the first place. Second, it’s remarkably non-judgmental of the culture. Third, I truly had NO idea about some of the insane things we so called Christians do, Bible amusement parks? Really? And finally, it’s enlightening. I have spent my life as a member of this Christian culture. I cannot see from outside the box, and what I like most about this book is it is opening my eyes to things I would never have realized before. The way we say things, the way we act, even, and perhaps especially, when acting in love, aren’t received that way. Granted, Radosh at least recognizes the intent behind things, but I have been blind to the fact that when we do things that are meant to be move inclusive of non-Christians we are alienating them further, or at least putting something else between us and them. Man, I cannot seem to do a decent job of explaining the impact of this book on me right now. I would highly suggest picking up a copy for yourself. You can buy it on Amazon marketplace for less than $2.

Being Good

Are you good without God? Millions are.

Unfortunately this is what a coalition of humanist and atheist groups decided to put up on a billboard. I say it’s unfortunate because it is probably effective. Ignoring the error of the idea that we can be good without God, this sign goes against what we as Christians believe.

If someone asks you if you are good, you most likely will say yes. The majority of people believe they are good, or at least believe they are striving to be good. So when you see a billboard like that it’s easy to agree. Yeah, I’m good. Yeah, it’s not because of God. Yeah, you’re right, I don’t need God to be good. To simplify things, let us say that this is all fine and well and possibly true.

Being good is not the point of it all. Being good is not the reason we are Christians. Being good is not why we believe in God. But, perhaps this is what we show to people. Perhaps they see Christians as people who believe in God and become good, or at least that we think that’s the point of it all. But that’s not it.

I don’t believe in God because I think that will make me a better person. In fact, my belief in God DOESN’T make me a better person. Belief doesn’t change anything. Grace changes me. The point of grace isn’t to make me good. The point of grace is that I can have a relationship with God. The point of it all then is not to become good, but to have a relationship with the Creator.

I hope the book (there’s a book with the same or similar title as what the billboard says) and billboard don’t reflect the broader culture’s view of Christians. We don’t believe in God in order to become better people. We believe in God because he is real. We have faith because we know that through grace we can have a relationship with God. Yes, that relationship should mean we become better people, but it isn’t, and never should be, the point.

Isaiah 59

There’s nothing wrong with God; the wrong is in me.

My wrongheaded life caused the split between me and God.

Which means that I’m a far cry from fair dealing, and I’m not even close to right living.

I long for light but sink into darkness, long for brightness but stumble through the night.

Like the blind, I inch along a wall, groping eyeless in the dark.

I shuffle my way in broad daylight, like the dead, but somehow walking.

I’m no better off than bears, groaning, and no worse off than doves, moaning.

I look for justice- not a sign of it; for salvation- not so much as a hint.

My wrongdoings pile up before you, God, my sins stand up to accuse me.

My wrongdoings stare me down; I know in detail what I’ve done:

    Mocking and denying God, not following my God,

    Spreading false rumors, inciting sedition,

    Pregnant with lies, muttering malice.

    Justic is beaten back, Rightenousness is banished to the sidelines,

    Truth staggers down the street, Honesty is nowhere to be found,

    Good is missing in action.

Anyone renouncing evil is beaten and robbed.

Here, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye…

A little less than a year ago Californian’s voted against gay marriage. As we all probably remember this caused quite an uproar among the gay population. Before I continue I need to be clear about something- I am not suggesting I support a homosexual lifestyle, however, I also cannot condemn homosexuality. That said, I stumbled across this video on youtube.

It’s rather deprecating to be sure. I mean, in essence it mocks the very idea of marriage by presenting these outrageous ideas and suggestions. But I believe that in addition to the negative there is a very honest idea. A genuine question that I think we in the church need to answer.

If we truly hold marriage as being sacred, why are we so accepting of divorce?

There are many passages in the Bible about divorce. In Malachai as part of his condemning of wickedness God says “I hate divorce”. That’s pretty straightforward. Jesus comes and says,  ”Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”. So it’s justified to say that we do not believe homosexuals will go to heaven, but it’s also fair to say that pretty much all of us fall into one of the categories listed here. As sad as it is, most Christians today are still not free of these traps. Most of us, myself included still idolize, still fall prey to adultery (remember, Jesus says that anyone who thinks it does it).

My question then is this: as a Christian, is it correct for me to oppose the legalization of gay marriage?

I think of Jesus’ admonishment that we need to remove the plank from our own eye before we can attempt to remove the speck from the other person’s eye. As long as we are accepting of divorce, as long as we turn the other way when we see people having sex outside of marriage, as long as we condone the over-sexualized culture we are a part of, we cannot tell these people that they have no right to get married.

Am I missing something here? Is there a reason the church at large seems ignorant of this seemingly obvious idea? Why is it we can get all worked up about homosexual marriage and not even blink when we go to watch a movie where the woman cheats on her husband? Why do we mourn the disintegration of a marriage instead of being angry about it (I’m not referring to being angry at the people so much as being angry about another divorce)?

I don’t disagree with the people who are standing on the street corner claiming marriage is sacred. They are absolutely right. But the downfall of marriage does not lie with allowing same-sex marriages. It lies with us being willing to trivialize it from the start. Until we make marriage truly sacred once again we have absolutely no place telling two men in love that they cannot marry. Until we do our job as the church to return the sacredness of marriage to where it was created to be by fighting against cultural norms of sexuality, by fighting against divorce, by fighting against extra-marital sex, by changing our cultural norm we absolutely cannot say no to homosexual marriage. Unless you really want to try to take that speck out while working around the plank in your own eye. Good luck with that.

Living in the World

I am one of the first to recognize that I live in a bubble. A very limited bubble. The people I know are from church. The people I interact with are all people who if they don’t go to the same church as me, at least go to church, regularly. And so I wonder what I can do to make a difference? How can I reach outside of my bubble when all the “usual” ways don’t really apply.

A lot of people who are faithful Christians actively involved in church and not really doing much socially outside of their church circle still have work. They still have the people they interact with daily, usually people who are not from church backgrounds. At least some of them. But the people I work with are all active Christians involved in the church. Even the youth I work with are church kids.

I’m not one to go to the gym and work out, another great place for interacting with people who aren’t part of your social circle. I’m not musical or involved in theater, although I enjoy attending these sorts of things it’s not the same as being part of it. I don’t have kids. I don’t have “social” hobbies. But now our church is starting something. Well, actually, the staff is supposed to be starting something that will hopefully in the long run turn into a church thing. We’re supposed to get involved in the community. In fact, we’re supposed to spend 10% of our “work” time in community activities. My pastor isn’t sure what this looks like either, he suggested finding something I enjoy doing and joining a community group. But I don’t know what that would be.

I thought about volunteering at a food pantry or something like that. But that’s not what he wants us to do. He wants us involved IN the community, not so much the whole helping the community thing. He wants us to be present in a non- “church” role in the community. And I love the idea. But I don’t know how to do it.

What community activities are there for a 25 year old single woman with no real hobbies to speak of? Where do I even begin to get involved?

Unimportant Numbers

I’ve been struggling with “numbers” this year. Just read a great post about how we can have great youth ministry no matter how many (or few) youth we have. Check it out here.

Church Space

Relevant magazine posted an article online about the use of church buildings and it got me thinking. I work in a church and much of the time that I am here the building is not really being used, which at first lead me to fully agree with the article in saying our churches are empty too much of the time. But as I thought about it I realized we are a pretty active church Sunday-Saturday.

Monday mornings we have a Bible study group meeting and a children’s playgroup that meets. Monday nights BSF uses our church.

Tuesday morning a men’s Bible study meeets and twice a month on Tuesday night the council meets. There is also a fishing club that meets at the church on Tuesday nights.

Wednesday morning is Coffee Break, Wednesday night is either Cadets (boys) or GEMS (girls).

Thursday night is our juinor high youth program, depression support group, men’s cooking club, women’s Bible study, and choir.

Friday’s the church is basically empty, except on rare occassions. We use a corner house for a young adult cafe once a month.

Saturday morning the BSF ladies use the church. And many weeks Saturday afternoons have someone using the church for one activity or another.

Sunday is church and small group meetings, as well as our senior high program.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday one of our extra offices is used by a counseling center.

I share this because I think all these programs show that our church building is not a waste of space. It is being used a lot. But I don’t know if it is being used as it should. All of these different activities are good and I don’t think that we should stop doing any of them. But they are all activities for members. Sure, some things are geared to be more outreach oriented (the fishing club is very much that way), but they are member oriented none the less.

Since reading the article I’ve gone back and forth on what I feel about this. I think we should have more open church buildings, provide more community based opportunities, such as an after school care program or a food pantry or allow groups to meet in the church for various things. The issue is, we don’t have space available really. During the day time hours, specifically the afternoons, the church is mostly empty. But at night when people are not working, the church is active and although not usually full, too full to add anything significant to what is already happening. So my question is, should we eliminate some of the “member” activities at the church to free up space for more “community” activities? Will it make a difference or does the issue go much deeper than just how the church building is used?