Stuck

When I was in high school I met weekly with a mentor. This woman had a significant impact on my life primarily because she taught me it’s okay, even good, to challenge what you have been taught to believe. One particular conversation that I often find myself coming back to is a discussion about devotions/ quiet time/ whatever you call your daily time with God.

I told her I hated doing it. I don’t know if I actually hated doing it, sometimes I think teenagers exaggerate. Whatever the case, the only reason I was doing it was because I was supposed to. I knew that. But I struggled to make it 15 minutes focused. I asked her what I should do. She said to stop. Stop reading your Bible, stop forcing yourself to spend that time each day. So I did, eventually. It took a while, I tend to be a people pleaser, and I think this often applies to my relationship with God as well. I don’t want to disappoint him. But finally I just quit. I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped making myself spend that time every day alone. I still went to church, youth group, and Bible study. I wasn’t quitting faith, just my devotion time.

Eventually I resumed it, and didn’t look at it quite as negatively as I had before. But since that first time I have quit several times. Not always for the right reasons. Other things sometimes take priority. This summer I felt like I hit a brick wall. I just wasn’t connecting with God, at all. I felt like I was reading a text book when I opened my Bible. When I tried Taize I almost fell asleep. When I read from a devotional book I found myself picking at the little things that irritated me or that I disagreed with and missing the point. So I quit. I planned to quit for a week. It’s been a bit longer- more like a month. I’ve done things here and there, but it’s been a month since I really spent time regularly in personal devotion.

In the past I’m eager to open my Bible again. The last time I stopped with my devotions for a bit I spent hours each day for a while just loving spending time focusing on God. But now I open my Bible again and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t get past something blocking the way to the something more that’s there. And it’s made me realize two things: quitting devotions is a double edged sword it can serve a great purpose but it can also just as easily make things worse rather than better, and I need a study group that I can figure out scripture with so that when I get stuck I have something to get me looking at it a little differently.

Selfish Service

10 years ago I took my first trip to NYC with my high school youth group. We loaded up two big vans with people and stuff and drove 12 hours to Staten Island, NY. Staten Island is the forgotten burro of NYC. We spent the week working in a soup kitchen, food pantry, women/children shelter, and more. I remember this trip but not all the details of our time serving.

Last week I took my second trip to Staten Island. This time leading a group of 16 youth in a week of serving. We did the same sort of work, soup kitchen, food pantry, family shelter, half way housing (not the drug/alcohol kind, but the homeless to independent living kind) and more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or what the reason is but this time around I feel like I am walking away with a much greater understanding of homelessness.

I don’t know if I could do it. The people we served were so grateful and kind even as they had to come into a soup kitchen for a hot meal or the food pantry to get enough food to feed their family for the month. They looked at us like we were giving up something to go and work there, when really what did we give up? Not much.

We were sleeping on fairly comfortable mats in a highly air conditioned room (the AC was on b/c people wanted to sleep in their sleeping bags not just under sheets). We were showering in a nice shower stall even though we had to share one shower with 20 people. We had plenty of food, and good food at that. No one really had to pay much money at all for the trip due to fundraising and most of the kids preferred to be in NYC serving for the week than working their normal summer jobs. We had money in our pockets for buying whatever we wanted (italian ice every night, anyone?) and many had bought new outfits just before leaving for the week to wear into Manhatten when we went sight seeing. Sacrifice- not really.

This isn’t to say that we didn’t do something worthwhile during our time. The work we did was truly needed. They would have been very shorthanded and crazy busy if we weren’t there to help out for the week. We did a lot of good work helping serve food and painting buildings that needed a fresh breath of life. We engaged with children and brought a great spirit to every activity we did. But we didn’t sacrifice. I don’t know what it would take for me to be willing to walk through the door to the soup kitchen. To do that you have to be willing to admit you need help. You have to admit you cannot make it on your own. You have to humble yourself and ask for someone to take care of your needs. I think we all could benefit from a time of need, but there is no way I would ever willingly go there. When you need you learn that in reality we can’t provide for ourselves. Even you and me who are well fed and able to buy our own food and have a comfortable place to go home to at night are reliant on God. When in need you truly understand this. I don’t think I totally get it right now.

What am I saying? I don’t know that I am even willing to do this, but I think if we are truly going to be servants then when we go for a week to serve we need to sacrifice. We need to say I’m going to give up some comforts in order to truly serve. Maybe I’m going to go without italian ice every night and instead use that money to buy food for the food pantry. Maybe I’m going to forget about buying a new outfit for myself and instead buy a new outfit for someone who actually needs it. Maybe I’m going to go without air conditioning and give my sleeping bag to someone who is sleeping on the ground. These are things I look back upon and wonder why we didn’t do something more while we were there. Why didn’t I skip italian ice and give needed food to the pantry? Why didn’t I offer my blanket to someone who needed it more than me? Why did I walk right past the buckets collecting money for the homeless in Manhatten without even giving a quarter? It’s because I am too self-focused. It wasn’t until I was back at home comfortable that I realized how little I had actually given up. It wasn’t until I was home that I was willing to allow myself to see how much more I could have given if I had only been willing to sacrifice. I hope next time I will make myself see how selfish I am being in my serving. And I hope that now I will be more generous to those around me every day. I hope.

By the way, if you are looking for a great affordable service option you should definitely check out Project Hospitality, we had a wonderful experience working with them.

Over Correction

I am sure anyone having driven a fair amount will have encountered that time when you realize you are drifting the wrong way- perhaps you are drifting into the lane next to you occupied by another car, or perhaps you are driving down the highway and hit those loud bumps in the road alerting you to the fact you have driven onto the shoulder. What do you do? The majority of people respond by jerking the wheel the opposite way, too much, too fast- over correcting. We do this in culture as well. And we do this in the church.

Currently it seems we have gotten it into our heads that God is a loving being whose only desire is to have a relationship with us. That we aren’t expected to really change because we can’t. This idea is in response to the previous teachings and ideas that we need to do everything in our power to live a Godly life and that all God cares about is us becoming better Christians. Where’s the balance?

We cannot live believing that God cares only about the relationship. God desires to see us grow and change and become more Christ-like.  It is not okay for us to say we are in a relationship with God and that’s that. Relationship includes change and growth. In human relationships both parties must work to grow and change in order for the relationship to work. But with God only one party must grow. God is already perfect. He has reached out to us and now it is our responsibility to grow and become more like him. If we do not the relationship will die. We need to find that middle ground.

Relationship is the basis. Relationship is vital. In our world of technology and disconnection the focus on relationship is not a bad thing. However, we need to be honest about what relationship looks like and means. Relationship can never mean we stay how we are because change isn’t possible. There are no true relationships that exist without the growth and development of the people involved. There is a need to change and grow and become more Christ-like in order to maintain the relationship. There is a need for church discipline and active renunciation of sin. There is a need for good deeds and service. These are not “nice additions” or ideal things we should strive for- these are essential parts of the relationship.

God and me aren’t buddies. I don’t want God to be my buddy because the people I would call my “buddies” are people who come and go from my life fairly easily. I want a deeper relationship and in order to have that I must go through the painful process of growth and letting go of things that prevent the relationship from continuing to develop.

When driving and swerving to the soldier I tend to over-correct and swerve the other way. But shortly after that I get it straightened out and drive down the center of the lane as I should. We need to do this in the church. We need to find the middle of the road back and stop swerving from side to side.

Instant Gratification

On Tuesday I wrote a long post about my struggle with “want” or more precisely my lack there of. I spent about 30 minutes writing and went to publish it only to discover that our internet died in the midst of my writing- to be precise on paragraph in was the last auto save. I haven’t felt like taking the time to rewrite it all, so here is a condensed/vague recounting- which most of you will prefer anyway.

I have recently become increasingly aware of my lack of want. Many people probably would look at this as a good thing, and for the most part it is. However, there are some problems I am having with this. First of all the realization that by not being in want I am not ever having to truly rely on God for anything. Second that I have no basis for understanding those who are dealing with overwhelming want and need beyond their ability to satisfy. I mean, if I want to eat, I eat- and I eat what and how much I want. If I want to see a movie, I see it. If I want a new song, I get it. If I want to read a book, I get the book.  If I want to be warmer I turn up the heat. When I feel a need for new clothes I buy them. True, I often must choose between wants to fulfill first- do I buy the book or the cd, do I go out to eat or out to a movie? But never do I really have to go without- whenever I choose one over another I know it is only for a short while- until the next month or the next week even.

It has become rather taboo I think, or at least overlooked, in protestant circles. But I think this is really a bad thing. Fasting is one of the spiritual disciplines- just like worship, sabbath keeping, Bible reading, and prayer. But it is never talked about, never taught about, and never encouraged. At least not in the churches I’ve been a part of. But it is so essential. It is through the discipline of fasting that we learn two important things relating to our spiritual development- a reliance on God to satisfy our needs, and the desire/ability to say no to desires that are clamboring for fulfillment.

I want to postpone my own practice of fasting until Lent- it seems the only time a “fast” of any kind is undertaken by people today. But I know I cannot. Fasting needs to be a regular part- not an annual thing, but a regular constant reminder to trust God and suppress our human desires. I fear we have made it too much of a super-spiritual practice one does to connect on a higher plane with God, but that is not the primary reason to fast.

So I will add fasting to my regular spiritual practices. Not because I think it will make me more spiritual. Not because I want to encounter God on a new level (of course I welcome that, it is just not my intent). I will fast because it is as much a part of spiritual growth and living as worship and prayer and Bible study.

Apathy

If I were to sum up the biggest problem we in the church face today I would say it is apathy. I am reminded of Revelation when it says that because the church in Laodecia is neither hot nor cold God will spit them out. I have heard a fair number of sermons on this passage- it’s one of the more popular passages from Revelation to preach on in my experience. But for some reason we aren’t taking it to heart. We are apathetic in our desire to grow, we are apathetic in our caring about justice, we are apathetic about building community, apathetic about following the rules God has given, apathetic about morals, apathetic about correction, apathetic about politics, and on and on.

It seems that we fool ourselves into believing we aren’t apathetic because we are busy. We have tricked ourselves into mixing up being busy with caring. At LCRC when there is a sign up for PADS few people sign up (I am at least as guilty as the next person having never done it myself). When there is a fellowship event maybe 20 people come out- and it’s the same 20 pretty much every time. Families rearrange their schedules for sports, but when it comes to church activities if something else was planned church gets cut. Putting money in the offering plate isn’t supporting the work of the church. Praying for the homeless isn’t the same as taking action to help them. Saying you care about something is not the same as caring about.

We have to stop fooling ourselves into believing this lie. We are the church at Laodecia. We are the ones who are neither hot nor cold. The fire is smoldering, the ashes are warm. Until we start to care, until we stop being lukewarm we are not going to grow. And lack of growth means only one thing- death. The only things not growing are things dying. If we don’t want the church to die we need to start by caring. We need to stop being apathetic, we need to stop lying to ourselves. We need to start caring- caring about one another, caring about justice, caring about obedience, about God. There is no room for apathy in love.

I want to get up and shout with passion and conviction. I want to feel on fire for God, for anything. I need to stop talking about acting and act, I need to stop thinking about what it means to seek justice and act justly. I can’t wait for everyone to be on board, I need to do it now for me, for God, because that is what it means to be a child of God. I cannot be lukewarm. Lukewarm is dying, and death is not good.

But it’s hard to step out on my own. I’m not sure I have the strength. God help me, I’m tired of apathy.

A Growing Feeling

One of the things I most remember being taught during high school is something I am beginning to question a bit. I was always told that if you asked God to have a stronger relationship with him, he would grant your request. I don’t really doubt this part of it, but the assumption between the lines is that ask and you will receive immediately. Actually, it’s one of the things I most clearly remember- one of the leaders said that God sometimes doesn’t answer our prayers immediately, but that this is one he always answered right away. We won’t get into the poor theology behind that right now, but it’s stuck with me and I think I have fallen into that immediate gratitude trap. I expect that the moment I ask God to strengthen our relationship I should fell more “in love” with him and closer to him. But that’s not how it works, is it? I don’t think God ignores any prayers, I don’t think God puts any requests on the back burner. But, sometimes it takes longer to see his answer than other times, and sometimes we may never truly see and/or understand his answer. I think this is true for our relationship with God as well. I can ask God to make our relationship better, stronger, more vibrant. And he answers, but often his answer isn’t to give me a more intimate feeling of being with him, or a broader understanding, or a stronger desire to study the Word or pray. Sometimes, his answer is so quiet or so surprising I don’t see it. And I’m trying to teach myself that this is a good thing- that this is normal and okay and God-ordained. But it’s hard, because we live in a world of instant gratification, and today I don’t feel like my relationship with God is stronger or better than it was yesterday, or a week ago, or even a month ago. But when I look back on the really long grand scheme I see how he has shaped me, how he has formed me, and that gives me hope in this moment that my prayer is being answered. But today I don’t really feel like studying the Word, I don’t feel like praying, or meditating, or worshipping. And that makes me feel like I’m not growing closer to God. I guess that’s why we call them spiritual disciplines instead of spiritual desires. I just wish it was easier to see/feel the growth.

Communicating Love

God wants us to go to him with everything. He isn’t a genie waiting to grant us our wishes, he isn’t there just to fix problems. He doesn’t want us to just praise him, and he doesn’t want us to only yell at him. He wants it all- our joy and pain, our frustration and delight, our doubts and our praise. Marriage is such a sacred act because it is the closest we get to seeing the relationship between God and humankind apart from God. I recently was reading about marriage and the article talked about communication. Not surprising, healthy marriages had good communication, but this included fighting and happy times. Lack of communication often lead to divorce. Somewhere else I read that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. When I think about these two things I am deeply convicted.
I go to God and tell him how I’m feeling- and I’m usually pretty good at sharing my true feelings, whatever they may be. But somewhere along the way I think I have stumbled into a pattern of sharing that is not honest. I talk to God, but I don’t really care what he says in response. I think I am on that dangerous slope- in a marriage I imagine when one person stops caring how the other responds the slope gets steeper and steeper until you can’t get back up- you have to either stay in the bad situation or go down the hill and find another way up. I think I am talking to God, but I am ignoring what he says in response. And slowly this is leading to apathy and indifference- which is the opposite of love.

God loves me. God loves you. Do we love him back?

Prayer Woes

I suck at praying. I’m excellent at talking to God throughout the day- but when it comes to actually praying for people, I suck. It’s one of my biggest struggles. I’m not good at lists because I don’t feel it’s genuine. I’m not good at remembering, because I just forget. And, I’m honestly not sure how to pray for people. Whenever I hear someone pray saying, “Lord, please be with so and so” I find that odd, I mean, God is already with us, that’s not the issue. But, should I pray for God to heal the person? If a marriage is breaking apart, do I pray for reconciliation? I rarely feel that I am in a position to know what to pray for. If it’s a young child sick with one thing but otherwise healthy, it makes sense to pray for healing. But what about for the man lying in bed needing an operation to survive but even after the operation he will not have a high quality of life. Or if the wife had an affair and that is leading to the dissolution of the marriage- is it really the best thing for them to stay together?

I can talk pretty openly to God about things I am dealing with personally. I can talk pretty openly with God about things I read. But how do I talk openly with God about someone else’s struggle, someone else’s need?

I feel like a hypocrite. I ask for prayer requests during youth group/small group. I genuinely care, and I want to know what the needs are in the group so I can pray for them. But, I feel like a robot when I actually go before God with these requests, like all I can do is read off a sheet of paper, or recite the basics of what I know and ask God to intercede. But this feels false and phony to me.

How do you pray for others? What am I not grasping ahold of?

Tree Faith

I love fall. I love being able to pull out my sweaters, curl up under a blanket, enjoy a cup of tea, and warm up with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. The trees are turning beautiful shades of red, the air is crisp and refreshing. It’s a wonderful time of year. As I marvelled at the beauty of the trees I found it amazing that they are so splending just before going into a long period of hibernation. Soon these now gorgeous trees will drop their leaves and spend several months appearing dead, lifeless. This is true for my life as well. Often the lowest times for me come just after the most wonderful. It’s like a caffeine high- for a few hours my body is falsely told that I have energy, but the caffeine wears off and suddenly I am slow and tired. My body struggles to function properly. I think so many of my “highs” were created by false things- things that made me feel emotionally more connected, emotionally more on fire, all while spiritually I’m still in the same place. When this emotional high wears off I am spiritually in the same place I was all along, but the emotions are gone and this makes the spiritual seem so much less.

Like the trees that are going to appear dead in a few weeks, my spiritual life may appear dead to me, or at least barely alive, but both my spiritual life and the trees are still just as alive as before, they are just living in a different way. Soon the buds will return, the “accessories” will come back, and the trees will look beautiful once again. My spiritual life may appear to be dead compared to what it had been, but really the high, the trappings, are just accessories. These are things that add to the spiritual, but they are not the spiritual. I don’t look at a pile of leaves and say, look at that tree, I say, look at those leaves. The same needs to be true of my spiritual life, I cannot look at the emotional part and say, look at how great my walk with God is.

Today as I admire the trees and their splendid leaves, I am reminded that the leaves do not make up the tree- the roots, the trunk, the “wood” makes up the tree. The leaves are an important part- they help the tree live, but they are not what makes the tree live. The emotional parts of my spirituality are not what make me spiritually alive, my relationship with God is. The emotional aspects are important, but they cannot keep me alive. Leaves are great, but as we see when they fall to the ground, leaves don’t keep the tree alive. And I’m glad about that.

Deedless Atonement

Yesterday we had a sermon that at it’s start made me expect a fairly commonplace message-the sermon topic was that salvation is through Christ alone.  However, I was surprised to find myself being challenged by the sermon in new ways…a few thoughts I want to pass along. 

-As we know, salvation is through Christ alone, this is not limited to the intial conversion, but to all of life. Our ongoing sanctification is also through Christ alone, possible only by the grace of God. How often do we try to grow on our own power? I know I often focus on doing the right things, reading my Bible, praying enough, giving money, taking care of the poor, etc. It is not by religion (or religious acts) that we are able to grow, but by a faith relationship with Jesus. So simple, so obvious, yet so easy to overlook and ignore. I want to know what a faith relationship with Jesus is like.

-You can’t ever be good enough, clean enough on your own. How can doing what you were supposed to be doing all along make up for what you failed to do in the past? NOTHING you do in the future can make up for the past because all we would be doing is what we were supposed to do to begin with. There is no way we can do enough good to make up for the bad we have done, because let’s face it, from the very beginning we were supposed to be doing that good. There is no line saying this is all the good you need to do anything after this is just bonus stuff. I could live a perfect life from here on out and it wouldn’t be able to make up for ONE mistake in the past. That’s the way it is. Only someone who has always been perfect, who has never messed up can take that away.

Such simple reminders, such obvious truths, but I definitely needed to be reminded that even now, especially now, it’s still about God’s grace and not my actions.